Monday, March 05, 2007
Why I don't have a cellphone
My parents yell at me because I don't have a phone.
I tell them it's because cell phones are overpriced monstrosities, VOIP phones don't work and landlines charge outrageous installation fees for people who move around every 4 months.
In reality, it's because all these giant megacorps don't understand the Internet.
I mean, hey, it's only been around since '69. I begin to doubt how Telus knows that "the future is friendly" when they're still trying to catch up to the events of the 1960s. Hell, computers don't even remember what 69 is anymore. Because of the Y2K problem, if you told Telus's mainframe that you were born in "69", it'd think you were born in 2069. It probably wouldn't let you open an account and that would be a blessing in disguise.
Because, you see, with every account comes the bill. Every month.
Let's see here... that's potentially 1 internet bill, 1 cable bill, 1 phone bill, 1 hydro bill, 1 rent bill, 1 water/sewage bill, and 1 furniture rental bill, all of which need to be paid for every abode.
And if you're a lucky co-op student (what sort of interview is that smiling, squatting student preparing for? Porcelain Receptable Quality Assurance Engineer?), you have two houses. In different countries, too, where the megacorps involved are different, so you can't even consolidate bills for the same services.
Each month, I am either the primary recipient or co-recipient of 8 bills. And no-one uses the same billing cycle, so every 4 days, I get a new bill.
I'm happy to delegate the authority to dip into my bank accounts in the US or Canada. Despite working for a team that wants to make Internet transactions secure and traceable, I'm happy to release the keys to the kingdom. I'm happy to say, "Checking acct #602-1481-4, transit 1085, PIN 5152. Enjoy!"
But the megacorps's websites all seem to have the reliability of an emo, teenaged McDonald's worker. "Error #1048: Please call 1-800-COMCAST." "Sorry, PSE is down for scheduled maintenance!" "Cannot find tenant account." "The balance due for Rogers customer 600194018, as of Mar 5, is NOT AVAILABLE." "Can't validate your identity."
Fine, some of these are transient problems. But Rogers and Comcast -- ironically, both Internet service providers -- reliably fuck up.
For me, when deciding which services to subscribe to, I balance the high cost of remitting payment against the service's usefulness. Having a place to sleep? Sure. Being able to take a crap? Sure. Being able to take a call while doing either of these? Nah.
So, mom and dad, that's why I don't have a cell phone.
PS: Comcast, how can you have the gall to charge a $129 activation fee for VOIP service? Norrmally, I don't care about the one-time fees. It's the recurring fees I hate. But an activation fee for an Internet-based service?!
Let's see... if I remember my databases course rightly, that's something like...
INSERT INTO voip_customers VALUES ('Colin Dellow');
What is that, $2.30 per keystroke? At least with traditional phone service I can envision my beefy activation fee producing a hearty *THUNK* as a lever is pulled somewhere and the vacuum tubes are linked together.
I tell them it's because cell phones are overpriced monstrosities, VOIP phones don't work and landlines charge outrageous installation fees for people who move around every 4 months.
In reality, it's because all these giant megacorps don't understand the Internet.
I mean, hey, it's only been around since '69. I begin to doubt how Telus knows that "the future is friendly" when they're still trying to catch up to the events of the 1960s. Hell, computers don't even remember what 69 is anymore. Because of the Y2K problem, if you told Telus's mainframe that you were born in "69", it'd think you were born in 2069. It probably wouldn't let you open an account and that would be a blessing in disguise.
Because, you see, with every account comes the bill. Every month.
Let's see here... that's potentially 1 internet bill, 1 cable bill, 1 phone bill, 1 hydro bill, 1 rent bill, 1 water/sewage bill, and 1 furniture rental bill, all of which need to be paid for every abode.
And if you're a lucky co-op student (what sort of interview is that smiling, squatting student preparing for? Porcelain Receptable Quality Assurance Engineer?), you have two houses. In different countries, too, where the megacorps involved are different, so you can't even consolidate bills for the same services.
Each month, I am either the primary recipient or co-recipient of 8 bills. And no-one uses the same billing cycle, so every 4 days, I get a new bill.
I'm happy to delegate the authority to dip into my bank accounts in the US or Canada. Despite working for a team that wants to make Internet transactions secure and traceable, I'm happy to release the keys to the kingdom. I'm happy to say, "Checking acct #602-1481-4, transit 1085, PIN 5152. Enjoy!"
But the megacorps's websites all seem to have the reliability of an emo, teenaged McDonald's worker. "Error #1048: Please call 1-800-COMCAST." "Sorry, PSE is down for scheduled maintenance!" "Cannot find tenant account." "The balance due for Rogers customer 600194018, as of Mar 5, is NOT AVAILABLE." "Can't validate your identity."
Fine, some of these are transient problems. But Rogers and Comcast -- ironically, both Internet service providers -- reliably fuck up.
For me, when deciding which services to subscribe to, I balance the high cost of remitting payment against the service's usefulness. Having a place to sleep? Sure. Being able to take a crap? Sure. Being able to take a call while doing either of these? Nah.
So, mom and dad, that's why I don't have a cell phone.
PS: Comcast, how can you have the gall to charge a $129 activation fee for VOIP service? Norrmally, I don't care about the one-time fees. It's the recurring fees I hate. But an activation fee for an Internet-based service?!
Let's see... if I remember my databases course rightly, that's something like...
INSERT INTO voip_customers VALUES ('Colin Dellow');
What is that, $2.30 per keystroke? At least with traditional phone service I can envision my beefy activation fee producing a hearty *THUNK* as a lever is pulled somewhere and the vacuum tubes are linked together.
